Double-A Aros: Queer? Platonic? Queerplatonic?

Andrea Bustillo (she/he/they) 

Michigan Gayly readers near and far, it’s time for everyone’s favorite topic, said nobody ever: queerplatonic relationships! Even as an aromantic, I find this topic the most complicated to explain. But I shall do my best to clarify the foggy definitions. 

First, platonic attraction is widely considered to be the opposite of its romantic counterpart. However, they do not necessarily manifest in different ways—that is the principle upon which queerplatonic relationships are built. Platonic relationships are between friends and family, and they involve trust and fondness. Romantic relationships are between well… romantic partners, but they involve much of the same values. Queerplatonic relationships (QPRs) are no exception to these, and the crucial point to them is that the partners choose how they want to exhibit their attraction to each other. They could act just like best friends or just like a couple, but that is completely up to them without having to adhere to societal expectations of how they should act. 

In fact, there really is no blueprint to a queerplatonic relationship. QPRs are often rejections of amatonormative ideals in relationships such as marriage, living together, having a family, and physical intimacy, making them valid options regardless of romantic or sexual attraction. Queerplatonic partners (QPPs) take what is usually reserved for romantic couples and make it their own (or not), transcending identity and labels. Anyone can be in a queerplatonic relationship, and each one looks different from the rest. In my experience, I entered a queerplatonic relationship to have access to a person in ways that I might not have if we were just friends, but there is an understanding that I am not explicitly romantically attracted to them. Because of this, we can proceed in our relationship however we wish to without notions of how romantic relationships should be getting in our way. I like this person a lot, and I love spending time with them; I love to hold their hand, go to concerts together, study (or not study) together, and be an important part of their life. And most importantly, I feel no pressure to overextend myself and be a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”. It’s not because I don’t care or I’m not ready or I don’t actually like them; it’s because I have my own way of being there for them that works for both of us. 

I used to struggle a lot with the distinction between romantic and platonic attraction; even now, I sometimes feel an internal pressure to romantically pursue those I’m attracted to or, at least, consider the possibilities of a romantic relationship. I’m literally aromantic… But somehow I’ve received enough societal conditioning that I fall into the same habits and always have to tell myself, “You can find someone attractive without being attracted to them!” or, “You can want to be closer friends without wanting to date them!” There have been times when I wanted to be in a QPR with someone but found it difficult to express myself without sounding like I just wanted to date them or just be friends. I feared that they wouldn’t understand or would think I was weird or would distance themselves from me. But after many attractionality crises, I gained the confidence to at least attempt to explain what I wanted out of a relationship, and it finally worked out! Phew!

I think that part of the reason I had so much trouble was because I wanted to be important to other people and felt that the only I could be was if I was their romantic partner. I couldn’t get what I wanted if I were only their friend, and we already know how reluctant I was about throwing QPRs into the mix. But the reality is, romantic encounters aren’t the only fulfilling kind of relationship. Our society has often neglected the importance of platonic love, but there is so much beauty to be found in our friendships, from having a shoulder to cry on, to running on the beach, to clutching your stomach from laughing too hard. As with all things in life, we must find a balance; all kinds of love should be held dear to our hearts. Being able to further appreciate my friendships and family has led me to understand the nuances of a queerplatonic relationship and truly consider my wants when entering a relationship of any kind. It’s definitely still a work in progress, but I’m in no rush to be a relationship expert (though I do think I give pretty good advice).

Well, that’s all from me for this issue! Make sure to check out my aro buddy Abbie’s article and those of all the other writers for the Gayly! Yay!

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