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3/5/2020 10 Comments

I Am Not My Body: Facing Prejudice and Transphobia on the Dating Scene

Ray Ajemian
Staff Writer
he/him/his

“I’m not transphobic, I just couldn’t date a trans person.”         

​It’s not at all a new or shocking take. In fact, it’s the norm; the vast majority of people — 87.5 percent according to a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships — say they wouldn’t consider a relationship with a transgender partner. In a trans renaissance of X’s on licenses and nine-dollar gender changes, it seems that certain things never change. With Valentine’s Day upon us, it’s time to ask: why the adamance? 
Picture
Resources compiled by Ray Ajemian. Graphic by Dyanna Bateman.
PictureSeeking love as a trans person often means fighting the transphobia deeply ingrained in dating culture. Photo courtesy of Unsplash. Edited by Shoshana Weinstein.
 In some cases, it’s easy to tell; the same study found that religious people were less likely to consider a trans partner than non-religious folks. Additionally, only 3.1 percent of cis heterosexuals would consider dating a trans person, compared to 88.9 percent of trans people (whose sexuality was not considered). The more cis- and heteronormative one is, the lower the odds of trans acceptance. One might expect, then, for LGB people to be more willing to date a trans person, yet the vast majority are also exclusionary (11.5 percent of gay men and 28.8 percent of lesbians said they were willing). Bisexuals are the only group of cisgender people in which over half were willing to date a trans person.         

​The disparity between lesbians and gay men is particularly striking. Striking, that is, unless you’re familiar with the gay online dating scene. Gay men are notorious for putting demographic criteria on their dating profiles, usually (but not exclusively) on the basis of race. Everything from “no fats, no femmes, no Asians” to “whites only” can be found on Grindr profiles according to Jason Garcia, a nonbinary person interviewed by Global News. A disproportionate unwillingness by gay men to date trans people may be explained by this phenomenon. The fact that most don’t even bother to list “no trans people” as a so-called “preference” is especially poignant, as if such a thing goes without saying.         

That isn’t to say that cis lesbians don’t have their own issues with trans partners, even in hypothetical terms. Lesbians tend to put down trans women in particular, meeting the suggestion that they remain open to dating trans women with accusations of homophobia, manipulation, and “borderline rapey” behavior, even from lesbians who recognize trans women as women. Likening the desire of a fiercely oppressed group to be seen as desirable with in their own community to rape is especially troubling given the unsubstantiated rhetoric that trans women are sexual predators (not to mention incredibly inconsiderate toward victims of actual sexual assault). It’s no coincidence that trans women are at such a high risk for violence, nor is it any coincidence that this all comes alongside the rise of TERFs (trans-exclusionary radical “feminists”) and the alt-right.         

Regardless of the reasoning, the statement “I don’t date trans people” has problematic implications in itself. A romantic relationship, at least when it’s first starting out, has very little to do with what’s under someone’s clothes, and as any asexual can tell you, sex isn’t always part of a romantic relationship. It therefore makes more sense to say “I don’t have sex with trans people,” but even that has it’s issues, because it assumes that sex with a trans person looks a certain way — that is to say, that trans bodies look a certain way. Trans bodies, however, have just as much variety as cis bodies, including trans bodies that show no evidence of their transness. Someone who is “stealth” does not openly disclose their gender history and, though it presents challenges, may be able to have sex without their gender being questioned. These assumptions about anatomy also fail to account for the existence of intersex bodies, trans or otherwise.         

In response to the perceived threat of accidentally having sex with a trans person, many have argued that trans people should be required to disclose their transition history with partners lest they be charged with rape. On top of being another excuse to punish trans people for existing, it dangerously redefines consent, suggesting that an act between sober, willing adults can constitute rape if one person regrets it after the fact. It is not coercive to want to have sex, find someone who is willing to have sex, and go through with it with your body in plain sight. To claim otherwise undermines the seriousness of the crime of rape, and too many people refuse to take it seriously as is.         

There are more immediate reasons trans people are reluctant to disclose their transness to potential partners. Trans people are at high risk for intimate partner violence; in particular, trans women are three times more likely than others to experience sexual abuse according to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. Another study, this time by the Urban Institute, found that 88.9 percent of trans youth experienced physical dating violence. To vilify trans people for wanting to hide their transness from partners, potential or actual, is to vilify them for protecting themselves.         

This grim, long-winded explanation is really meant to say one thing: don’t preemptively disparage an entire population based on a single shared trait. Transgender people, like any group, are incredibly diverse. To mark us all as undesirable on the basis of our transness can only be described as bigotry given the infinite range of bodies and personalities among us. Every relationship has its uncertainties — someone you want to start a family with may be infertile, someone you date may not be ready or willing to take the “next step” with you, and, yes, someone you love may come out as trans or have been trans the whole time. If someone isn’t for you, they aren’t for you, and that doesn’t mean they should be arrested or beaten for it. This is not a call to add a trans person to your romantic repertoire; it is merely a call to consider where that gut reaction against us really comes from.

10 Comments
Lol
12/11/2020 07:49:20 am

People are dating your body, tho

Reply
No
12/11/2020 09:32:16 am

"it is merely a call to consider where that gut reaction against us really comes from."

My gut reaction comes from my homosexuality you fucking rapist.

Reply
Homophobia 2.0
12/11/2020 11:26:42 am

Your self perception issues and 'identity' are not a burden for gay people to carry. The physical body is an important aspect for the majority of people when it comes to intimacy and relationships, especially for the Gay/Lesbian community who fought so hard and for so long to be able to love people of the same sex without being harassed, jailed or even chemically castrated. Now in 2020 the Gender community is pushing the same homophobic values. Reality check; You ARE your body. The same body you cannot accept to the point of potentially changing through chemical and surgical intervention but somehow expect OTHER people to accept and offer intimacy without question. The hypocrisy is stark and the homophobia more so.

Your birth sex is a deal breaker for a lot of people, whether trans or not. If that bothers you thats your problem to get over not other people because NEWSFLASH, relationships and sex are not human rights, if you think they are you're just plain predatory.

Reply
Olavi
12/11/2020 02:41:30 pm

It's 2020 and once again gay men are being told to unlearn their aversion to sleeping with the opposite sex, aka female people, but it's not just the religious right that is saying this but also a certain "queer" element of the left. These people really see gay men like me as a resource to be used for the identity validation needs of women who experience themselves as men.

It is no longer enough that we as gay men treat trans-men as men in ordinary social situations, use their preferred pronouns, and so on. No, we must also sacrifice our own well-being by forcing ourselves into traumatic sexual encounteres and even relationships with females who identify as men in order to convince them and everyone else that they are literally male. How is liberal society allowing this homophobic charade to go on without protest?

Reply
JohnnyTheJackman
12/11/2020 03:07:09 pm

Its called HeteroSEXUAL and HomoSEXUAL. They aren't straight or gay for someone's gender, but for the persons sex, hence why once again, SEXUAL is in the name.

That being said, it is true that you cannot always know if a trans woman has a penis, however if they do and that causes someone to lose interest, that's not transphobic, thats just not being attracted to penis. Plus some people are turned off by voices as well.

Reply
Bob link
12/11/2020 03:37:20 pm

So if you're not your body and trans people are the same as cis people then why are you so focused on dating cis people? Why not stick to other trans people? Or does the cognitive dissonance not stretch that far?

Reply
Pat
12/11/2020 05:44:34 pm

Unlike trans people, I don't rely on external validation to know who I am. So call me a transphobe all you like - I still won't date you.

Reply
Actual gay man
12/11/2020 07:33:26 pm

Why are you surprised that bisexuals are the only group of "cisgenders" that are somewhat okay with dating transgenders? They're the only group who are into BOTH sexes. Heterosexuals are only into the opposite sex and homosexuals (like me) are only into the same sex. No one cares about gender identity besides basic politeness. Wanting sex from us is where the line is drawn. Also nice try, trying to hide behind the so-called "sexual racism" argument (that is also just as rapey) when there's absolutely no links between a cis black or asian man and a transman of any race. Even the gay men with the strongest racial preferences would pick the former just by the basis that they're actual males.

Reply
Um...
12/11/2020 07:50:11 pm

So why not just date bisexuals? There's more of them out there anyway. Or other trans people? You are more likely to find support and understanding from like-minded people within your own community. A lot of gays and lesbians who will only date other homosexuals (as opposed to bisexuals) for that very reason. Why exactly are we being targeted when we make up the smaller part of the dating pool for same-gender attracted trans people? Why are we being asked to reexamine our "genital preferences", yet trans people are never asked to reexamine their distinct preference for homosexual people? Have you ever thought about that? Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that it's more "validating" to be fucked by a homosexual than a bisexual or fellow trans person? Has it ever occurred to you that homosexuals don't exist for the sake of your "validation"? Have you ever considered that perhaps your own sense of self shouldn't be so dependent upon other people constantly validating you with their words and/or their bodies? Just something to consider.

Reply
Olivia
12/13/2020 11:05:11 pm

Still won’t date a trans person...ever. I turned down one recently in less than a split second. If that makes me “transphobic” then I’m totally fine and content with that. Bye.

Reply



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